When I was 10 years old I started noticing how my brain and my inner thought would have this huge power over me and how it affected my everyday life. The most simple of tasks would be so difficult and it would be a constant battle in my head. It feels like if you ignore what your brain is telling you something bad would happen, for example you would have a bad day, something could happen to your family or you would fail school. Anything that you had going on in your life somehow your brain would tell you how it was going to go wrong if you didn’t listen to it. Before you start thinking “Oh no, serial killer in the making .” Let me explain.
This was my first encounter with this OCD and I just did not understand it. This made me frustrated and I did not know how to suppress it not matter how much I wanted it to stop but I knew I had to carry on doing it until the feeling of anxiety stopped.
It all started when I was playing with a toy car. It was an army jeep my uncle got me when he came to visit. While I was playing I drove the car up the wall on to the kitchen counter. The strange thing was that my thoughts started to tell me to drive it up the wall again as the feeling was not right. I kept driving the jeep up and down like I was on a loop in my head. It was literally a war zone, no pun intended, I felt a huge pressure on my head from driving the car up and down the wall and it was driving me up the wall. No matter how much I tried to do it again and again until the feeling in my head allowed me to stop, it gave me an anxious feeling in my stomach because it did not feel right. I knew that it had to do it until it felt right otherwise something bad would happen. Eventually after 2 hours of this insane loop I thought “Am I going crazy? Why am I doing this?” and “I want to stop but if I do what if something bad happens to me or someone in my family”.
My dad told me to go to sleep, as it was getting late but I still had this sick feeling in my stomach as if I had to do this until I got it right.
When everyone was asleep I slowly went down the stairs matching my dads snoring as the floor boards would creak. I started to drive my army jeep up the wall again, half an hour passed as I sat there in the pitch dark. I finally did it and now it was late, 2am to be exact. But finally I did it correctly and my brain felt at ease, the pressure went away and my body which was so tense finally relaxed like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was like I just finished a huge deadline and everything was going to be okay now and nothing bad would happen.
This was only when I was 10 years old. I had so many more weird OCDs But this one was the most intense one as it was the first. It started to spread in to my routine such as picking up a spoon and placing it down or using salt and pepper. If I did not put it down correctly I would get this bad anxious feeling and feel like something was going to happen until I did it enough times to get it right.
With all these OCDs affecting my everyday life I created a system with different methods to deal with different forms of OCD all controlled under one system to minimise it. I will reveal how I did it in the months coming and hopefully my solutions can help you. Please share if this is something you can relate to or find interesting.